11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.