An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
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Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday