The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
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Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.