It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
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[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
so much to do
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.