Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
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Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Oh deer
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right