Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
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If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
good let them take over I have had enough
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce