If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
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me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.