Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Nothing to do, you say?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.