I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
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My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I can’t stop laughing at this
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”