Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
2022 be like
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.