Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
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Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
i can’t wait that long
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.