Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
absolute chaos
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?