“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
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Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
A short story of betrayal:
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE