I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Finally! 😈
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code