“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
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I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.