LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?