[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
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[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test