yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.