♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]