Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Happy Star Wars day!
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
nyc:
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.