straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
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my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.