When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
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Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
lol
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*