don’t be scared
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[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.