Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
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Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Bless you
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I would like even faster food.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.