You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
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I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
🙋♀️
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I need better friends
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.