Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
*has no idea what a book even is*
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Rather alarming headline…
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”