[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker