people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
i dont have time for this
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander