[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?