Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?