Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
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Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
That stupid look on my face, is my face
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.