Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
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The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
one last job
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.