Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.