This is a whole mood;
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Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
those birds must be on payroll
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Netflix: We have Less
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples