With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
getting groceries