u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
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If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.