those birds must be on payroll
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Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???