You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.