just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
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Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I have so many questions.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.