Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
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Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Duck typos.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.