You Might Also Like
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.