Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
You Might Also Like
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you鈥檙e washing your hands
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I SAID YES!!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲馃拲 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍鉂わ笍 someone asked if I was alone for valentine鈥檚 day!!!
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It鈥檚 such a perfect setup.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you鈥檙e being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
My husband listens to me like he doesn鈥檛 realize there鈥檚 going to be a quiz later.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 馃槼
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 馃槍馃挱
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
What a website
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don鈥檛 worry this isn鈥檛 going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*