me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Squirrels before girls.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it