Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
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Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Best spot.. 😅
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”