My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
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When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.