Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
hey, alexa
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said