“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
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[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?