Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Flowers bee like
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums