If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
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On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there