I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
You Might Also Like
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?